How to Talk About Trying New Positions is basically an exercise in managing your own fear of being seen as a pervert by the person who literally knows what you look like while you’re snoring.
I had a client once—let’s call him Jason—who decided the best time to suggest a fairly athletic, gravity-defying position was in the middle of a Tuesday night quickie while his wife was thinking about her 8 AM presentation. He didn’t ask. He just… pivoted. The result wasn’t a transcendent sexual awakening; it was a pulled hamstring, a knocked-over bedside lamp, and a three-day cold war.
Jason thought he was being spontaneous and “alpha.” His wife thought he was being a weirdo who didn’t care about her physical comfort or the fact that she had work in the morning. This is the mistake most of us make. we think that talking about sex ruins the magic, when in reality, not talking about it is exactly what makes the magic disappear into a cloud of resentment and boredom.
The Sexual Vulnerability Hangover
We need to address why this conversation is so damn hard. You can talk to your partner about taxes, the failing school system, or whose turn it is to clean the cat litter, but the moment you want to suggest putting your legs behind your head, your throat closes up.
This is the “vulnerability hangover.” In our society, we’re conditioned to believe that “good” sex should be intuitive. If you have to talk about it, something must be wrong, right? Wrong. That’s a fairy tale for people who want to stay mediocre.
When you suggest something new, you’re exposing a desire. You’re saying, “This is a part of me that I haven’t shown you yet.” To your lizard brain, that exposure feels like stepping into a clearing where a predator might see you. If your partner says no, your brain doesn’t just hear “I don’t want to do that move,” it hears “I don’t want you.” That’s why we stay silent. We’d rather be bored than rejected.
How to Talk About Trying New Positions Without Making It Weird
The first rule of Fight Club—and of talking about sex—is that you do not do it in the bedroom.
When you’re naked, your nervous system is already in a state of high alert. If you bring up a new position while you’re actually trying to get it on, any “no” or even a “maybe later” feels like a slap in the face. You’re already flooded with oxytocin and dopamine; you don’t need a shot of cortisol (the stress hormone) because you feel judged.
The best time to talk about this is when you’re both fully clothed, preferably in a neutral location like a car or a coffee shop. Why? because the “threat” level is lower. You’re not performing. You’re just two adults having a conversation about their shared hobby.
Instead of saying, “I want to try this,” try framing it as a “we” exploration. Use “I” statements that focus on sensation rather than just the mechanics. “I’ve been thinking about how much I love the physical connection when we’re close, and I saw this thing that looks like it would feel incredible for both of us. What do you think?” It’s an invitation, not a demand.
Attachment Styles and the Fear of “The New”
If you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, suggesting something new can feel like you’re asking for more than they can give. They might see it as a critique of what you already have. Their brain goes: “Oh, so what we do now isn’t enough? You’re going to be disappointed in me soon.”
If you’re the anxious one, you might be suggesting new positions just to see if they’ll still say yes to you. You’re looking for reassurance, not just a different angle.
Understanding these dynamics is key. If your partner is hesitant, it’s usually not because they think you’re a freak. It’s because their nervous system is trying to protect them from feeling inadequate. You have to co-regulate. That means staying calm, staying kind, and making it clear that the current sex life is great—you’re just interested in adding some more colors to the palette.
Dealing With the “No”
Here is the blunt truth: your partner is allowed to say no. They’re allowed to think a certain position looks uncomfortable, degrading, or just plain stupid.
Supporting your partner’s boundaries is the most “pro-sex” thing you can do. If they say no to a specific position and you pout, get angry, or withdraw, you are teaching them that their boundaries don’t matter to you. You are making the bedroom an unsafe place for them to be honest.
If they say no, stay curious. “Okay, no worries. Is it that specific move, or just the idea of trying something new right now?” Maybe they have a bad back. Maybe they had a bad experience with that position in the past. Maybe they’re just tired. When you handle a “no” with grace, you build the trust required for them to say “yes” to something else later.
The Myth of the “Perfect” Move
We’ve all seen the diagrams. The ones that look like a game of Twister gone wrong. We think that if we just find that one “perfect” position, the fireworks will never stop.
But positions are just tools. They’re ways to change the friction, the view, or the depth. The real goal of trying something new isn’t the physical act itself; it’s the shared experience of being adventurous together. It’s the laughter when you both fall over. It’s the “did we just do that?” look you give each other afterward.
If you approach it with a sense of humor, the stakes drop. You aren’t trying to film a movie; you’re playing. And play is the only way to keep a long-term relationship from turning into a roommate situation.
Regulating the “After-Talk”
Once you’ve had the conversation, and maybe even tried the thing, you need to check back in. This is the part people skip because they’re embarrassed.
“Hey, how did that feel for you the other night? I really liked it, but I want to make sure you were comfortable.”
This closes the loop. It tells their nervous system that they are still safe with you. It reinforces that you care about their pleasure as much as your own. If it was a disaster—and let’s be real, sometimes it will be—laugh about it. Owning the awkwardness is a superpower. If you can laugh about a failed sex position, you can survive anything the world throws at your relationship.
Stop waiting for the “right moment” to be spontaneous. There is no such thing. There is only the choice to be brave enough to speak your desires out loud and the empathy to hear your partner’s response without taking it personally. That’s how you build a sex life that actually lasts.
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